As I write this...my heart is heavy with despair, anguish, betrayal, and just pain in the heart like I can't fully describe. There is nothing I can do to re-arrange the reasons why I feel this way, but can at least try to piece my life back together and find someway to heal me as a person because right now, I pretty much feel emotionally shit on, used, abused, lied to and just fucking straight up conned.
The truth is: I'm just his mistress.....nothing more...and I guess that reality hurts. The truth hurts. To actually acknowledge what I am to him in this relationship (to myself) is the first step to recovering from it, but it breaks me in half just the same.
I didn't want to be the mistress and for a long time I never thought I was. He lied to me. I'm not a stupid foolish woman who is blind to the facts now as I see them, but I was foolish when I engaged in a relationship with a married man who claimed to be seperated from his wife for over 10 years, only to discover, that was never the case at all. The more I dig for information to help me make sense of this, the more I find that makes it a million ways from wrong. Just saying it out loud for my own ears to hear or writing it for me to read later is a HUGE step. I have known it for awhile, I just didn't want it to be true. Unforteunatly the truth hurts. The truth is: he lied to me and abused me emotionally and led me down a path of promises for our future life together that he either never intended to fullfill or never could because he is married and has lied to all involved, even his wife and kids, not just just me. I feel like a victim, but I also feel quite stupid and worthless right now.
To be continued. I wanna drink my head off right now. bye.
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